Thrifty in White

Work Woes and Practicing Our Marriage

Just when everything seems perfect in your wedding-planning world and beyond, something happens. Something always happens.

In our case, just as mock-up reception tables, a handmade wooden archway, and DIY fabric bouquets became realities, we were faced with another reality: The devastation in Japan, the rising death toll, the weeks of uncertainty surrounding the unsteady Fukushima nuclear plant.

 

 
Image via the Huffington Post

 

Dustin and I both were glued to the news for a lot of different reasons: We were compassionate and curious about the people who lost everything, how they would go on with their lives, how Japan would recover, how the world could help them recover, how two very small people in Chicago could make a difference, or if they even could at all.

…and Dustin just so happens to work in the nuclear power industry, which turned me into a nervous wreck thinking that all of this could somehow affect his job and the industry, work he’s so great at and incredibly proud to do. I spent days alternating between moping around and wondering where we would go if he lost his job and we had to sell the house.

Then last week, it happened: I got a text mid-workday saying that said layoffs were beginning, and he knew people who were losing their jobs. As soon as I read that, all taxing thoughts of having to move or not having money to finance this dumb wedding immediately left me. I dropped the selfish act and turned into a supportive fiancée without missing a beat, which was both becoming and surprising.

I put Dustin’s needs and feelings before mine, much like he did when I was laid off from my first big-time reporting job immediately following the news that Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy. Life was beyond sad and trying for me then; even if his job is completely safe from layoffs, people’s opinions of his livelihood may now have a similar effect on him.

With all of this swirling around a mere two months from the wedding, one realization is clear amid dress hunts and centerpiece woes: It’s not all about the wedding dress, the award-winning, multi-thousand-dollar photographer, the food you serve, or whether or not it rains and your hair ends up in a rats nest of frizz.

We all just need to be supportive: Of our partners; of our choices and ourselves; and of our weddings, even if the budgets are minuscule.

Because this is what a marriage is all about, and we’re still practicing.

(Update: I wrote this a while ago, but dragged my feet when it came to actually posting for a lot of different reasons. Dustin's job is still secure but still far away, and I'm doing my best to learn as much as I can about nuclear power to combat the rampant rumors. Can you believe an educated person actually told me we are in the middle of nuclear warfare? And another called this a nuclear holocaust? I am speechless, really.)

 

Stay thrifty,
Hollie

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Relationships | Having Bride Brain and Calling the Whole Thing Off

I admittedly have a severe, take-me-to-see-somebody-about-this case of Bride Brain, as much as it pains me to admit how much this wedding is affecting my everyday life.

I wake up and stare at unfinished projects with a dumbfounded look on my face, drool likely trickling out the side of my gaping mouth. I try to work like a normal member of society, and I catch myself scanning a multitude of wedding blogs between consultations with my trusty AP Stylebook. And in the late hours of the night (and, um, into the wee hours of the morning) when I really should be sleeping or helping Sarah McLachlan's charitable ASPCA efforts, I'm working on our wedding itinerary and acting like a total bridezilla--all alone and behind closed doors, so I think that gives me a pass. Sort of.

 

Source

 

At my worst, having Bride Brain clouds my judgment and makes me act like a crazyperson who just so happens to be wedding planning. I let my 'zilla show. When I argue with Dustin, I threaten to call off the wedding even if the argument is over something so stupidly small it embarrasses me to even try and remember. He still loves me and I eventually apologize and admit that, secretly, I didn't mean a single word I said. He understands because he's known my drama-queen side for 5 years now, and we all move on with our lives without a second thought.

But sometimes, I get to thinkin'--and I don't know if any other engaged couples see through their pre-marital bliss and think about this too, but I guess I'll go out on a limb--when do you know it's time to call things quits? When do you know that [even if you've sent out 300 save the dates and invitations, bought a dress and put so many deposits down it makes your head spin] it's time to call the whole thing off?

 

*Really super-duper important note that can't even be shoved down at the bottom of the post: If you're reading this and are feeling short of breath and light-headed, calm down. Dustin and I are not calling the wedding off, nor are we even thinking about calling it off. I promise when I threaten it, I'm just being dramatic. Sort of how I also threaten to sell the dog when I come home and see she ate all of my supplies to make bridesmaid bouquets. We are happily getting married and we're happily keeping Milliedog, we promise. :)

  

Source

 

This post isn't chock-full of advice because I have no business giving any. I'm just genuinely curious after hearing stories of people knowing before the wedding that things weren't right, but they still went through the whole thing anyway. We all know divorce happens, and it's probably affected us somehow in some way, but how do you know deep down in your heart that it's more than sadness about your fleeting singledom and a small douse of cold feet?

I think I get it. Even at our unhappiest, we all want people to change. But can they? And what's more important: Saving face and not having to notify guests that there will be no wedding, or saving yourself and getting out when you know it's the right thing to do?

Well. Happy Friday? Should I leave you with a pretty picture after such heavy thoughts?

OK, but only because you asked for it and I'm feeling guilty for taking us to the weekend all angsty-like.

 

Source 

That's better. 

But really... Anybody have anything to contribute regarding the more, ahem, serious conversation above? Or are we blocking it from our memories? Fine then. Anybody have any fun ideas for the weekend? ANYBODY?

Ah, well. Can't say I didn't try!

 

Stay thrifty,
Hollie

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Solo Wedding Planning and the Dreaded "MY"

*For starters, are you digging the new Thrifty in White design or what?! A huge thank you to Super Runaway for being incredibly patient, talented, lovely and very superhero-like. More big changes are coming to our little budgeted corner of the interwebz, so keep checking back! It's gonna be a total rehaul, y'all.

 

If there's one thing I wish brides would chew up, spit out and squash forever, it's the word "MY." Grammar mistakes? I'll deal with it if I must. But completely taking over something meant for two? It's like riding a tandem bicycle by yourself in the world's tightest jeans and spike heels with one flat tire.

In other words, it's completely opposite from this adorbs picture:

Image source, via Pinterest

 

"My invitations are so..."

"My bridesmaids wore the prettiest..."

"My ceremony will be the most..."

Because unless you're Dennis Rodman circa-1996 and you're really, truly setting out to marry yourself, there are two people involved. OK, unless you're going to be a sister wife, because then there would be more than two people involved. But I think this is getting a bit too technical.

Most wedding bloggers are women. The wedding industry aims to please the ladies, TV shows feature our hissy fits and our dress selections, and free drinks are shoved in our faces at bridal shows. I'm not complaining, really (especially when it comes to the latter), but my heart goes out to the grooms, some of whom seem to be a bit forgotten under all the chantilly lace and milk glass.

They propose and inadvertently relinquish the power of decision-making and even having an opinion, because society tells us the wedding day is all about the bride. What, pink butterflies aren't your all-time favorite things? That's just too bad, because it's a recurring theme that is going to take over every aspect of the wedding.

I understand that not all grooms want to have much control, but I also understand that some actually do. Maybe they don't want to step on your excited little toes by actually voicing an opinion, but I would bet our entire wedding budget that some of them would at least  like to be asked.

Case in point: Myself and Dustin. I'm sad to say that I, too, was socialized to believe that the wedding would be all about me. Luckily, my groom-to-be has an opinion, and we've been together far too long for him to keep it from me.

Me: "Blah blah blah, we're not having a bridal party. I don't want to deal with it.

Him: "But I really want our friends to stand up with us."

Me: "That's just too bad."

Him: "Umm, but it's important to me."

*Cue pre-teen tantrum and a call to my mom with the full intention of tattling on him followed closely by a tag-team tell-him-like-it-really-is moment. I realize now how dumb this sounds, and I blame this on a severe case of bride-brain.

Fortunately for me (though it was quite unfortunate at the time), my mom set me straight. The same woman who praises my accomplishments and tells me when I have something in my teeth also taught me that a wedding is, in fact, about two people. And that before I make any decisions, I need to take a step back and include Dustin.

And when I got over myself a hot second later and finally included him, it was like opening the floodgates. Before I realized what was happening, he was calling the officiant, making a wedding song list, looking into venues, and having a valuable opinion about everything he could have an opinion about. It was truly a bicycle wedding built for two.

 

Image source, via Pinterest

 

...until Dustin temporarily moved far away this month for work with plans to be gone until April or longer. Our seemingly-miles-long list of DIY bouquets, invitations, ceremony decor and sweet personal touches fell entirely into my hands. There's only so much planning you can do over the phone, am I right?

Suddenly, our projects lost importance because they wouldn't be created by the both of us. Plus, things are just easier when two people split up the work. And as cute as my dog and cat are, their paws don't really lend themselves to holding a pair of scissors.

I know I'm not the first bride to go through this, and I know I won't be the last. There are people planning weddings while their partner is stationed halfway around the world serving our country. There are couples planning long-distance weddings, separated by work or school or plain ol' logistics.

So with two trouble-making pets and a group of amazingly crafty and talented friends and family, I'm hoping we can turn what now feels entirely like a "MY" wedding situation back into a positive "OUR" wedding experience. With Dustin dialed into a conference call and our loved ones' hands helping with a menagerie of projects, it should at least be a memorable journey that can still be all about the two of us.

Anybody out there dealing with solo wedding planning...or want to be the solo wedding planner? Is your partner an equal helper, or did they choose not to be? And let's be honest with each other: Did you have any 'zilla blowups at first because you had a vision? It's so embarrassing now, I know, but can't we all learn from our mistakes?

Stay thrifty,
Hollie

Follow us on Twitter: @ThriftyinWhite
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