Relationships | Having Bride Brain and Calling the Whole Thing Off

I admittedly have a severe, take-me-to-see-somebody-about-this case of Bride Brain, as much as it pains me to admit how much this wedding is affecting my everyday life.

I wake up and stare at unfinished projects with a dumbfounded look on my face, drool likely trickling out the side of my gaping mouth. I try to work like a normal member of society, and I catch myself scanning a multitude of wedding blogs between consultations with my trusty AP Stylebook. And in the late hours of the night (and, um, into the wee hours of the morning) when I really should be sleeping or helping Sarah McLachlan's charitable ASPCA efforts, I'm working on our wedding itinerary and acting like a total bridezilla--all alone and behind closed doors, so I think that gives me a pass. Sort of.

 

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At my worst, having Bride Brain clouds my judgment and makes me act like a crazyperson who just so happens to be wedding planning. I let my 'zilla show. When I argue with Dustin, I threaten to call off the wedding even if the argument is over something so stupidly small it embarrasses me to even try and remember. He still loves me and I eventually apologize and admit that, secretly, I didn't mean a single word I said. He understands because he's known my drama-queen side for 5 years now, and we all move on with our lives without a second thought.

But sometimes, I get to thinkin'--and I don't know if any other engaged couples see through their pre-marital bliss and think about this too, but I guess I'll go out on a limb--when do you know it's time to call things quits? When do you know that [even if you've sent out 300 save the dates and invitations, bought a dress and put so many deposits down it makes your head spin] it's time to call the whole thing off?

 

*Really super-duper important note that can't even be shoved down at the bottom of the post: If you're reading this and are feeling short of breath and light-headed, calm down. Dustin and I are not calling the wedding off, nor are we even thinking about calling it off. I promise when I threaten it, I'm just being dramatic. Sort of how I also threaten to sell the dog when I come home and see she ate all of my supplies to make bridesmaid bouquets. We are happily getting married and we're happily keeping Milliedog, we promise. :)

  

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This post isn't chock-full of advice because I have no business giving any. I'm just genuinely curious after hearing stories of people knowing before the wedding that things weren't right, but they still went through the whole thing anyway. We all know divorce happens, and it's probably affected us somehow in some way, but how do you know deep down in your heart that it's more than sadness about your fleeting singledom and a small douse of cold feet?

I think I get it. Even at our unhappiest, we all want people to change. But can they? And what's more important: Saving face and not having to notify guests that there will be no wedding, or saving yourself and getting out when you know it's the right thing to do?

Well. Happy Friday? Should I leave you with a pretty picture after such heavy thoughts?

OK, but only because you asked for it and I'm feeling guilty for taking us to the weekend all angsty-like.

 

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That's better. 

But really... Anybody have anything to contribute regarding the more, ahem, serious conversation above? Or are we blocking it from our memories? Fine then. Anybody have any fun ideas for the weekend? ANYBODY?

Ah, well. Can't say I didn't try!

 

Stay thrifty,
Hollie

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Comments

[Ariella (@LIBudgetBride)]

My friend knows a girl that has "called off" her wedding about 10 times during their engagement. They got married last week lol.

[lizzie]

Ha. Well. Hollie. I think everything will be okay. If you're actually having cold feet, I would say don't worry about guests...It's your life, you know.
BUT
I think once you allow yourself to say "It's off" once, it comes back time and again before you even think of saying it. My folks just got divorced and throughout their whole marriage, starting at week THREE, he was threatening divorce in EVERY argument! How can you possibly hope to work on things if you're always on "one last chance" kind of mentality? You know?

Isaiah and I haven't fought about anything wedding-wise, but neither of us care at all what our wedding looks like, so that might have something to do with it.

Maybe it's worth it to take several things off your list and have a more laid-back wedding to save your evenings from fights galore and what not? Have you done pre-marital counseling or are you planning on it?

Just my thoughts..I hope everything clears up and gets better, lady.

[Nicole {Niche White}]

I've got nothin'. I never thought about or threatened to call off the wedding, I just knew it as my lot in life. Ha.

I think once a girl is on the path to a wedding, the vision and brain gets clouded. Unless something SERIOUSLY bad happens they just stay on that path...it's like acceptance, right or wrong. The only wedding I even KNOW OF that got called off was my cousin's, when I was 9. They got in a fist fight in the parking lot. (Classy family alert) Fun times!

For anybody wondering....yes, they did go on to get married at a later time. My mom decided we shouldn't go to that one. :)

[Hollie]

Eeeek! Nothing is really wrong and there ain't no cold feet around here, I just tend to throw the line out quickly in non-wedding-related arguments.

For instance...

"OMG DUSTIN, WHY DID YOU CLOSE THE CAT INTO THE CLOSET?!?! THE WEDDING IS OFF."

...and overly dramatic things like that, which are always a result of me overreacting like I've been doing for 25 years of my life so far. We actually share the same ideas and feelings about most wedding-y things. :)

Really, this post is about me being curious about people who KNOW going into a marriage that it's not going to work out? Does the combination of planning excitement and Bride Brain cloud their judgment? Do they really hope people will change? Do they think they don't deserve anything better???

Hmm. It's just sad, really. But no worries, it's not about me :)

[Hollie]

Like, for REALS called off? Or just said it in the heat of the moment during an argument? If it's the first...I'm afraid for them!!!!

[Hollie]

YES. This is exactly what I'm wondering about. Why do smart women (OK, and smart men, too) make stupid decisions about marriage? I get that crap happens and once-happy marriages crumble, but I just don't understand putting yourself through so much planning bullshit and drama-rama (and yes, money) WHEN YOU KNOW IT ISN'T RIGHT.

Clearly tulle and cake and centerpieces trump happiness, YES?

And spill your guts...did your cousin's marriage last? I've known of one wedding to be called off, but I feel ripped off now because there was no fist-fighting involved ;)

[Liz]

When the Mr. and I were lost driving to our wedding venue to sign the contract he was frustrated and angry (at me telling him that I was right on directions and him wrong) and he mentioned calling the wedding off...it broke my heart because he also said it before and I told him to stop playing with those words. Maybe it is because I am a girl and sensitive (err not really haha)...but even when it is over something little I think it can be hurtful.

[Nicole]

Pshhhhhhh. Of course it didn't last. I'm not sure how long they were married...they had three kids so about 33 months, at least. :)Then she married another guy... and they got divorced. But she still dates him? Hell if I know. My family puts the FUN in dysfunctional, fo' sho'.

I don't know if tulle and cake and centerpieces trump happiness - I'm sure for some people it does. And for other people it might just add an extra layer of guilt? Like, "Well, I've already put down all these deposits, might as well just roll with it. I'm sure it'll be fine."

[Anni]

We haven't had any huge fights thus far in our engagement (now I'm jinxing myself) but I do know people who have gone through with their marriage only to divorce two months later. When I see that, I'm glad that they've decided to get out of an unhappy situation, but I wonder if they knew going into the marriage that it wouldn't work. Is it a last-ditch effort? I mean, that seems so SAD when you stop to think about it.

[Hollie]

Liz, you are so, so, SO right. Let this be a reminder that even if the wedding is "called off" in the heat of the moment or over something as stupid as who forgot to feed the dog, it's hurtful. Thanks for bringing us all back to reality, lady :)

[Hollie]

...I knocked on wood for you, so I think you're safe and we avoided the jinx :)

I wonder about the same thing ALL THE TIME. Like Nicole said above, maybe it's an issue of already having so much time and energy invested into something that you think you can go through with it and things will get better? It's easy to get sidetracked when you're wedding planning, but it certainly shouldn't be that way at all. Hmph.