*For starters, are you digging the new Thrifty in White design or what?! A huge thank you to Super Runaway for being incredibly patient, talented, lovely and very superhero-like. More big changes are coming to our little budgeted corner of the interwebz, so keep checking back! It's gonna be a total rehaul, y'all.
If there's one thing I wish brides would chew up, spit out and squash forever, it's the word "MY." Grammar mistakes? I'll deal with it if I must. But completely taking over something meant for two? It's like riding a tandem bicycle by yourself in the world's tightest jeans and spike heels with one flat tire.
In other words, it's completely opposite from this adorbs picture:
"My invitations are so..."
"My bridesmaids wore the prettiest..."
"My ceremony will be the most..."
Because unless you're Dennis Rodman circa-1996 and you're really, truly setting out to marry yourself, there are two people involved. OK, unless you're going to be a sister wife, because then there would be more than two people involved. But I think this is getting a bit too technical.
Most wedding bloggers are women. The wedding industry aims to please the ladies, TV shows feature our hissy fits and our dress selections, and free drinks are shoved in our faces at bridal shows. I'm not complaining, really (especially when it comes to the latter), but my heart goes out to the grooms, some of whom seem to be a bit forgotten under all the chantilly lace and milk glass.
They propose and inadvertently relinquish the power of decision-making and even having an opinion, because society tells us the wedding day is all about the bride. What, pink butterflies aren't your all-time favorite things? That's just too bad, because it's a recurring theme that is going to take over every aspect of the wedding.
I understand that not all grooms want to have much control, but I also understand that some actually do. Maybe they don't want to step on your excited little toes by actually voicing an opinion, but I would bet our entire wedding budget that some of them would at least like to be asked.
Case in point: Myself and Dustin. I'm sad to say that I, too, was socialized to believe that the wedding would be all about me. Luckily, my groom-to-be has an opinion, and we've been together far too long for him to keep it from me.
Me: "Blah blah blah, we're not having a bridal party. I don't want to deal with it.
Him: "But I really want our friends to stand up with us."
Me: "That's just too bad."
Him: "Umm, but it's important to me."
*Cue pre-teen tantrum and a call to my mom with the full intention of tattling on him followed closely by a tag-team tell-him-like-it-really-is moment. I realize now how dumb this sounds, and I blame this on a severe case of bride-brain.
Fortunately for me (though it was quite unfortunate at the time), my mom set me straight. The same woman who praises my accomplishments and tells me when I have something in my teeth also taught me that a wedding is, in fact, about two people. And that before I make any decisions, I need to take a step back and include Dustin.
And when I got over myself a hot second later and finally included him, it was like opening the floodgates. Before I realized what was happening, he was calling the officiant, making a wedding song list, looking into venues, and having a valuable opinion about everything he could have an opinion about. It was truly a bicycle wedding built for two.
...until Dustin temporarily moved far away this month for work with plans to be gone until April or longer. Our seemingly-miles-long list of DIY bouquets, invitations, ceremony decor and sweet personal touches fell entirely into my hands. There's only so much planning you can do over the phone, am I right?
Suddenly, our projects lost importance because they wouldn't be created by the both of us. Plus, things are just easier when two people split up the work. And as cute as my dog and cat are, their paws don't really lend themselves to holding a pair of scissors.
I know I'm not the first bride to go through this, and I know I won't be the last. There are people planning weddings while their partner is stationed halfway around the world serving our country. There are couples planning long-distance weddings, separated by work or school or plain ol' logistics.
So with two trouble-making pets and a group of amazingly crafty and talented friends and family, I'm hoping we can turn what now feels entirely like a "MY" wedding situation back into a positive "OUR" wedding experience. With Dustin dialed into a conference call and our loved ones' hands helping with a menagerie of projects, it should at least be a memorable journey that can still be all about the two of us.
Anybody out there dealing with solo wedding planning...or want to be the solo wedding planner? Is your partner an equal helper, or did they choose not to be? And let's be honest with each other: Did you have any 'zilla blowups at first because you had a vision? It's so embarrassing now, I know, but can't we all learn from our mistakes?
Stay thrifty,
Hollie
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I love this! I am doing most of the planning for our wedding, and as I contact vendors, I have to make a conscious effort to say "our" and "we." I'll even read back through every e-mail I write to make sure it's a collective "we," rather than a single "me."
I love your tandem bike illustration of your point! I think you're right in saying that all of the wedding shows on TV focus on the bride. You're lucky if the groom gets 15 seconds of air time.
Penny (http://www.abcneckties.com/alfred-angelo-comparison-chart.html)
Posted by: Penny | 01/27/2011 at 09:06 AM
Well It is great that Dustin is actually involved....I hear many complaints about the groom not caring or uninterested.
I on the other hand have the opposite problem. I have a groomzilla on my hands...so far the only decision I get to make is the black table linens.
They say that wedding planning teaches you about marriage...compromising...and how people react to orders/organization/ideas.
Good Luck!
http://myweddingnonsense.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Liz Nieto | 01/28/2011 at 05:46 PM
My future hubby and I have TONS of ideas. He's insanely artistic and i'm a wanna be... so together we're making almost everything. However, we both have friends and jobs and lives outside of the wedding so when he has time off is seems like the only thing he wants to do is veg out. Before and over Christmas break we were supposed to spend a lot of time writing out Christmas Cards/save the dates and work on our hand-made felt flower bouquets. I wrote maybe 100 cards and he wrote maybe 15. For a good two months this started feeling like MY wedding and I no longer wanted to listen to his opinions since he obviously wasn't helping. However, that changed yesterday.. he went with me to a bridal expo, we shared ideas and really narrowed down what it was we're looking for in vendors and ultimately the look and feel of our wedding and if finally started feeling like ours again. Today I have a whole new perspective. I'm really sorry your FH is so far away right now, mine travels a lot for work too. Though lucky for you, you have friends and family near you! Our live mostly on the east and west coasts (we live in IL) and our entire bridal party lives out of state too :( lol we'll get over it! Good luck getting everything done and getting back into the feeling of this being about the two of you!
Posted by: Samantha | 01/31/2011 at 03:12 PM
Great post and so true. In general it is so easy to get lost in the event part and completely forget the true reason you are doing all this madness. Using "My" is just the tip of the iceberg! A bride gets two things to call her own, the dress and her bridesmaids, the rest is a joint effort! Kyle really didn't care about details so much so that he wanted me to pick ties and things like that, I actually had to refuse to have a say in that because I wanted some part of the wedding to reflect him.
Posted by: Alicia @CharityWedding | 01/31/2011 at 05:16 PM
Oh and I meant to say that I love the new look!
Posted by: Alicia | 01/31/2011 at 05:16 PM
Excellent post! I enjoyed every bit of it...not quite there yet, but I pray I'm not a bridezilla when the time comes!! I do think every bride has a "bridezilla moment", which I can accept. I just don't want to be a total bridezilla! Lol...
Posted by: Brittany | 02/02/2011 at 08:48 AM
The wedding industry aims to please the ladies, TV shows feature our hissy fits and our dress selections, and free drinks are shoved in our faces at bridal shows.
Posted by: Wedding Planning | 02/05/2011 at 01:11 PM